On Feeling Unloved

“Nobody loves me”, “I don’t think I can be loved”, “I am surprised that they love ME”, “I am such a mess”. These statement and different variations of these statements are the most common that I hear in my practice in psychotherapy. The feeling of being lovable is very core to the emotional problems of a lot of individuals. We find the origin of this core belief most often in their childhood; however, further life experiences keep triggering and strengthening this core belief.

This core belief gets most obviously manifested in the context of romantic love. We either keep getting attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable and further confirm to ourselves that we don’t deserve to be loved. Or we act in ways that will make them go cold on us. Thus, confirming yet again, ‘see I knew all along that I am not lovable’. And now that we have opened up and shown them our real selves, they don’t find it worthy of being loved.

The problem arises when we make certain assumptions about a person and then are gradually exposed to information contradictory to our assumption. Consequently, getting disappointed. It might not necessarily be ‘how the person is’, but how the person 'makes us feel'. And we have all been bombarded with unrealistic expectations from love. As reality unfolds, disappointment builds, and ‘love’ fades. This causes our partner to question their worth and lovability. Not knowing all along what they did wrong, they were just being themselves and allowing the person into their inner world.

Human personalities are not simple and straightforward, no matter how much we would like it to be so. Sometimes even a lifetime is not sufficient to know a person completely. Adding to this the problem that personality is dynamic and subject to change and evolution with time. Compatibility is a core requirement in a relationship. However, one might try to assess compatibility before committing to a relationship, but its very hard to do so considering the fact that very few of us are well introduced to our own selves, let alone accurately introducing ourselves to the other. Radical self-awareness is a rarity.

The family has no other option but to put up with us. In the event of friendship its easier to maintain love, post knowing the flaws of the other, as less investment is required in that relationship. The actions of the other have only a limited impact on us. But in the context of a romantic relationship, this influence becomes much larger, and hence tolerance much lower. And thus, harder still to continue loving the other. Therefore, feeling unloved, might not just be in the heads of most of our clients, but their actual reality. And I don’t think I’ll be making an error of generalization by saying this is the case with many marriages and relationships. To put it simply- our partners don’t meet our expectations, consequently we get disappointed and find it difficult to love them.

Within marriage, people continue to co-exist lovelessly, the non-committed relationship ends. Thus, we have a huge population going around feeling ‘nobody loves me’. To all those feeling this way, I won’t tell you it’s only in your head. You are difficult to love and your friends, family and significant other are probable struggling to do so. But the truth is, every single one of us is difficult in their own way. You are difficult to love, and so is the person you are struggling to love. And you can show compassion to that other, only if you can do so to yourself first.

There is this one truth that I have observed and repeatedly tried to covey, ‘we cannot love another unless we can love ourselves’. It has been my observation that those who suffer from self-loathing find it the hardest to conduct a relationship. Whereas those who feel self-assurance, self-compassion, and engage in self-care find it easy to navigate even with difficult partners.

It is indeed ironic how everything begins and ends with self, even love. Doubtlessly, human beings are social species and we need each other. But the only way to have the other is to have yourself first.